i don't need to know
by bleublue
Summary: So James has to go off and get himself a girlfriend. Well. Sirius tries to not take it personally. Remus Lupin makes a good distraction. Wolfstar.


**a/n** : modern au. sirius and james are hecka rich (what's new). remus is sirius' secretary.

* * *

Lily Evans, for all intents and purposes, was not _real_.

You couldn't touch her. You couldn't talk to her without your head being bitten off. And most importantly—you couldn't _bloody go out with her_. Because that was all she was: a concept. The most she would ever amount to was a fleeting dream.

But some dreams, Sirius was beginning to learn, came true. He just wished this particular one was never realized.

James Potter fell in love at first sight. When Evans finally figured out that James existed, she decided she hated him. It had first been a rather amusing turn of events at first but for all the years that James had mooned over Evans, Sirius never quite understood the fascination.

Three years later, the saga of will-they-or-will-they-not continued. James was still just as madly in love but in a shocking turn of events, Evans must _not_ hate his guts because she hadn't turn down his invitation to meet at the local bar.

"Oh," Evans grumbled when she caught sight of him. "You're here too, Black?"

"What? You thought it was a date?"

While Evans flushed prettily, James threw him a downright murderous look. Sirius looked back at him drolly.

"HAHAHA," laughed James, who was privately fuming but there wasn't a soul who knew his pain except the one man who was actively trying to ruin his life because he was laughing so outrageously but god damn it, if Sirius didn't laugh along, Evans would hate him, he would waste away in loneliness forevermore and-

"HAHAHA," laughed Sirius, who personally thought this entire thing was so fucking stupid.

"Ha ha ha?" laughed Evans suspiciously, eyes darting from James and Sirius then back, as if she suspected one or the other of dropping a firecracker down her shirt. Always on her toes, that one. "I think I'm missing the joke, whatever you lot are giggling about," she said and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Nope- nothing!" James cheerfully said and led Evans away. The whole thing went unquestioned. Sirius and James were known to have an insane, logic jumping kind of humor.

Sirius turned back to the bar and took a deep drink from his whiskey. The burn was pleasant.

He didn't know how long he just sat there, staring at the bottom of the bottle but when he turned round, he saw James and Evans. Unfortunately, one hadn't killed the other yet. James had his arm over her shoulder.

What a load of bull it was. James, especially.

Sirius tried thinking some altruistic thoughts. They didn't really help because he kind of had a feeling that he was a selfish git. But he also didn't care? The conscience his schoolteachers had always tried to drill into him never quite worked on him. Sorry McGonagall.

"God," Sirius said, still looking, "that's disgusting."

"I think they look rather sweet actually."

Sirius, having not expected a response, blinked several times. It took him a moment to figure out where the voice had come from.

Standing behind the bar was Remus Lupin. His brown hair was slightly damp from a recent shower and he looked a little worn out and in need of a good nap. Sirius didn't know what exactly about this situation was so unbelievable, but he was in shock.

"Lupin?"

"Mr. Black," he acknowledged.

Still there. This seemed short of a dream.

"Why are you everywhere?"

"To be fair, I work for you."

"But why _here_? Don't I pay you enough so that you don't have to play bartender?"

Lupin considered him wryly. "I'm filling in for a friend," he responded, and must to Sirius' annoyance, plucked the half-filled bottle from his hand.

"I was still drinking that, you know."

"Mhm." Lupin slid a glass of water across the bar table.

"And I'm not pissed either," he said, because he wasn't. Really.

Lupin moved on to serve the rest of the patrons, leaving Sirius to stare moodily off into the distance. James and Evans had long disappeared into the slowly growing raucous crowd.

His chair scraped back. Why the hell was he here anyways? There was literally no reason for him to stick around and watch his best friend's love life play out. It occurred to him that this was a rather delayed thought process.

Lupin was quick to notice. "Where are you going?"

Not wanting to deal with him, Sirius pretended not to hear, quickly pushing through the crowd toward the exit. Somehow, Lupin caught him at the front of the club. He must have gone through the back. Sirius wasn't too surprised to see him there.

"You're going the wrong direction, you know," Lupin said, panting slightly. Had he ran?

Sirius shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. It was better here. Quieter.

Lupin appraised him. "How much did you drink?"

He shrugged. "Enough." Which wasn't much at all, to be honest. Alcohol didn't quite hold the same appeal to him as of late. It was doubly depressing to wake up not only to his dismal reality but with a bastard of a migraine.

"Don't you have your shift?"

"It's over now," Lupin dismissed, which was a blatant lie. Sirius paid better and his salary was worth more than any friendship. "Where's Mr. Potter?"

"Round here somewhere," he responded.

"Would you like me to fetch him?

Sirius waved his hand. "Leave him. Tonight is a momentous occasion. The great Evans has fallen after three years of endless siege and toil-"

Lupin's lips quirked up into an amused smile. It was the indulgent one given to children when they were being particularly naïve. "Are you jealous?"

Sirius snorted. "Merely concerned for the sake of little Jamie's general wellbeing. She'll gobble him up if he isn't careful."

"Evans isn't the bitch you think she is."

"I don't think she's a bitch-"

"And if you bothered to get to know her," Lupin continued, as if he hadn't heard him, "you would find that she's kind, loyal, and generally a wonderful person."

He didn't know what made him snap. Maybe it was the fact that he had heard enough worship about Evans from James to last him a lifetime- and now Lupin was singing praises. Who even was this bird? The next Jesus Christ? His voice was cold when he bit back, "You done preaching?"

The silence that followed was drawn out. Sirius regretted it, but like most things he broke, he didn't know how to fix. He looked away, leaving Lupin to scramble and pick up where they left off.

"My apologies. I overstepped my bounds."

Insides rolling in self-disgust, Sirius stared at Lupin's lowered, subservient head. He wasn't sure who he hated more then, himself or Lupin and his inability to bite back. What did he think Sirius was going to do? Fire him? Kick him out into the streets? Surely Lupin knew enough by now that Sirius wouldn't do either.

He wasn't his family. _He wasn't_.

"Come here," he ordered, the beginnings of a ludicrous idea blossoming in his head.

Lupin lifted his head, his expression circumspect, but he did just like how he was told- just as how Sirius knew he would.

Sirius wasn't sure what overcame him at that moment, but it was like he was sixteen again- not giving a fuck about the consequences and just taking. Taking what he wanted, whenever he wanted. In retrospect, that was probably the quality that Lupin hated most about him. But he wouldn't know. Because Lupin never said a word about how he felt or what he wanted.

He wasn't drunk; he was tired. Tired of James. More tired of himself. Most of all, tired of seeing that same dull expression on Lupin's face. God, he hated that quiet, piteous do as you will expression. Lupin didn't use to look at him like that.

He wondered if Lupin would go as far as to sleep with him if he asked. It occurred to him that counted as an awful thought made by an awful person, but Sirius didn't care.

Sirius curled his hand around Lupin's tie and dragged him forward. Their faces were close enough that their noses could touch without much trouble. Lupin still didn't move.

Imperceptibly, Sirius scoffed, somehow disappointed. Lupin never failed to meet his expectations, that was for sure. He was an exemplary employee- asked no questions and completed everything that was asked of him without complaint. He was virtually flawless in every aspect.

Sirius hated every part of him.

* * *

Their relationship had been easier at the beginning. They met at age eleven when Sirius' parents collectively decided that they couldn't keep their oldest son from getting into scraps and embarrassing the Black family name. If he wasn't stirring up trouble, he was plotting it. Any attempts to stop him were ineffective because Sirius easily slipped the servants his parents hired to watch him. Sirius remembered turning it into some sort of game: how quickly he could get rid of them.

One day, his parents plucked a boy and his father off the streets; the father would work as part of the hired help. The boy, they decided, would make a fine playmate for their son. At least that was what he assumed at first.

Sirius didn't give Lupin the slip because as reserved and odd as he was in his youth, Lupin was still his friend. As he aged, Lupin's calming influence became seen as the word _charming_ became associated with Sirius' name as his mischief lessened.

On the night of his sixteenth birthday, Sirius had overheard a conversation between Lupin and Sirius' father. He remembered being curious because his father seldom spoke to anyone without purpose.

After that, the pieces clicked into place: Lupin wasn't his friend; he probably never even liked him in the first place. He was the snake who tailed him and reported his movements back to his parents while Sirius played the fool.

Sirius drove the family mad that year with his antics; it was enough that his father shipped him off to study abroad. It went publicly unspoken but Regulus, by this time, was considered the family heir by most of the family's social circle. As for Lupin, well- Sirius slowly distanced himself from him. Lupin didn't seem to mind and left him alone.

Time passed. Enough of it passed that people were surprised to learn that Regulus had an older brother. Sirius returned to Britain far more successful and far more wealthy than anyone could have anticipated, especially when Sirius' father cut off all of his resources. Coerced into visiting the family home by Regulus (who was then in turn probably coerced by Walburga), he found that Lupin was still in contact with the Blacks. He shrugged and nodded dismissively when his mother slyly asked him if he minded helping an old friend and hire Lupin who was then unemployed. Lupin stared into his dinner plate and didn't say a word.

So he hired Lupin as his secretary, who had absolutely no secretarial experience but excelled anyways. And that was all there was to it.

He was over it. Really. Truly.

When Sirius pressed his lips against his, Lupin _hovered_. He stood stupefied, hands unmoving. All right, maybe Sirius came on to him abruptly but this was a downright pathetic performance. He might as well be snogging a doll for all the sentient movement that was happening.

Their lips parted for air. Sirius felt the rapid rise and fall of Lupin's chest against his hands. Otherwise, he was unchanged.

"Do you know what people say about you?" Sirius asked. He tugged on Lupin's tie, pulling him closer so that his lips brushed Lupin's ear. Sirius felt him shiver. "They call you my dog."

It was hard to describe what happened next because he didn't know the other half of the story. Only Lupin did and knowing how tightlipped he was about everything, Sirius didn't think he would ever discover what was going through his mind at that moment.

But the most definitive thing that could be said was that Lupin- well. Lupin didn't like that.

There was no trace of gentleness when _Lupin_ \- mild-mannered, stick in the mud, once friend, now secretary- took him by the shoulders and pinned him against the wall to ravage his mouth. But at least it was real. Many things about him weren't.

Sirius was however unprepared for the fierceness. Not used to lacking control, Sirius tried pushing back against his chest with the flat of his palm. Lupin retaliated by pulling Sirius' head back by his hair and stuttering kisses down his throat.

It was expectedly refreshing. Pity it didn't last.

After a particularly loud moan, Lupin seemed to regain sense. He stumbled back, his expression dazed. "Shit- _shit_."

"Shit," Sirius said out of reflex, stunned.

Eyes closed, Sirius leaned against the wall, pressing his fingertips into the brick wall behind him. For some time, there was nothing but their harsh pants and the sound of city traffic.

"I-I-" Lupin trailed off, white-faced and miserable.

"Let's go," Sirius abruptly cut him off, and promptly stumbled over his feet.

Lupin caught him as he always did. He threw Sirius' arm over his shoulders. "Let me take you home," he said, trying to regain even a sliver of his lost professionalism.

"Up for round two already?"

" _Your_ home." Lupin jerked him forward harder than necessary. As they walked, Sirius couldn't help but notice Lupin's ears. God- he didn't know that they could get that red. It was kind of adorable.

"You didn't happen to bring your car, did you?" Lupin tried mildly; his attempt to guise the desperation in his voice was pathetic.

Sirius cheerfully took no pity on him. "We can take my motorcycle."

"No," Lupin said firmly and led him across the lot and into the street where a bus stop awaited.

"My _child_ ," Sirius lamented as they passed his first and only and _best_ son. As he was pulled forcibly away, he swore to himself that if there was a single mark upon it when he returned, he was going to-

With restrained impatience, Lupin said, "I'll call someone to bring your motorcycle over."

"Don't bother," Sirius waved off. "Just remembered that James wanted me to bring it over so he could take a spin on it with Evans."

They boarded the bus after Sirius clumsily paid for the bus fare. Lupin quietly let him. They sat in silence for as long as Sirius could bear. Surprisingly, it wasn't him who breached it in the end.

"Sirius," Lupin said, looking straight ahead, "James isn't going to replace you. You're his best friend."

"And I'm not pissed at all," Sirius said again. He hoped everyone in his life that had wished him to be good (McGonagall had the honors of being first on the list) was proud of him at this moment. He thought that it would only be fair of him to try to inform him. Remus would have never said that to him if he had assumed Sirius to retain an unaltered mind.

Lupin rolled his eyes and responded with a sarcastic, " _Okay_ , Sirius," which was fucking typical. The one time he tried for sincerity, he wasn't believed. Annoying, but well- he'd tried. He hoped McGonagall was proud despite the lackluster response to his rather charitable attempt at honesty. He wasn't going to bother pursuing his claim to sobriety. It would be pointless because Lupin wouldn't take him seriously anyways- never did even when Sirius thought that Lupin considered him a friend.

His graciousness aside, Sirius wasn't one to ignore an advantageous situation when he saw one.

Yawning theatrically, the next time the bus rounded a rather unforgiving corner, Sirius leaned his head on Lupin's shoulder. He waited one second, then two, until it became clear that despite stiffening under his touch, Lupin was not going to make any attempt to remove him. But perhaps allowances were to be made, Sirius thought.

He was drunk after all.

* * *

 _ **assignment 1, astronomy, task four** : write about someone making an incorrect assumption._

 _ **word** **count** : 2659_


End file.
